JOKES, FUN, HUMOUR STORIES, FUNNY PICTURES

Blind Man's Dog
A blind man was waiting to cross the road when his guide dog peed on his leg. He reached into his pocket and took out a biscuit for the dog.
A passerby who'd seen everything remarked, "That's very tolerant of you after what he just did."
"Not really," came the reply. "I'm just finding out where his mouth is, so I can kick him in the nuts."
***

Attack Dog
A man who wanted a dog to protect his business, visited a kennel that specialized in attack dogs. The man explained to the kennel owner that he wanted the biggest, meanest, most vicious dog in the kennel, and the owner offered to take the man on a tour of the premises.
After they had been walking for a few minutes, they came upon a large dog, snarling loudly, and biting and clawing at the cage.
"He looks like he'd be a pretty good attack dog," said the buyer.
"Well, he's not bad," replied the owner, "but I have a different one in mind for you."
They continued walking around the premises, and after a while they found an even larger, meaner dog than the first. He snarled at the two men and tried to bite them through the wire on his cage.
"Ah," said the buyer. "This must be the dog you were referring to earlier."
"Well, no." said the owner. "I have something better in mind for you."
The men continued their tour. Eventually, they came upon a large dog, panting heavily and lying quietly on his side, licking his own butt. He seemed unaware of the men's approach.
"This is the dog I had in mind for you," said the owner.
The buyer was flabbergasted. "You're joking!" he exclaimed. "This dog is tame compared to the others; he doesn't even act like an attack dog."
"I know he appears tame now," said the owner. "But you see, he just ate a lawyer, and he's trying to get the taste out of his mouth."
***

A Man and His Dog
A man was watering is lawn one day when he looked and coming up the street was two hearse's followed by a man, his dog and a single file line of about 200 men. The guy watering his lawn thought this was rather odd and decided to ask the first guy (with the dog) what was going on.
The guy said "That's my wife in the first hearse, my dog bit her and she died".
The guy watering the lawn said, "Oh, I'm terribly sorry to hear that, what about the second hearse?".
The other guy said "Well that's my mother-in-law, my dog also bit her and she died."
The guy with the lawn thinks for a minute and says, "Can I borrow your dog?".
The guy with the dog responds, "Back of the line!".
***

New Dog Cross Breeds
--  Did you hear about the new dog cross-breeds?
They crossed a Collie and a Lhasa Apso.  The new breed is a Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport.
They crossed a Spitz and a Chow-Chow.  The new breed is a Spitz-Chow, a dog that throws up a lot.
They crossed a Pointer and a Setter. The new breed is a Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet.
They crossed a Great Pyrenees and a Dachshund.  The new breed is a Pyradachs, a puzzling breed.
They crossed a Pekingese and a Lhasa Apso.  The new breed is Peekasso, an  abstract dog.
They crossed a Irish Water Spaniel and a English Springer Spaniel.  The new breed is a Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean.
They crossed a Labrador Retriever and a Curly Coated Retriever.  The new breed is a Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of laboratory researchers.
They crossed a Newfoundland and a Basset Hound.  The new breed is a Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors
They crossed a Bloodhound and a Labrador.  The new breed is a Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly.
They crossed a Malamute and a Pointer.  The new breed is a Moot Point, owned by....oh, well, it doesn't really matter.
They crossed a Collie and a Malamute.  The new breed is a Commute, a dog that travels to work.
They crossed a Deerhound and a Terrier.  The new breed is a Derriere, a dog that's true to the end.
They crossed a Bull Terrier and a ShihTzu.  The new breed is a uhh, I'll get back to you on that.....
***

Doggie Farts
A young man was delighted to finally be asked home to meet the parents of the young woman he'd been seeing for some time. He was quite nervous about the meeting, though, and by the time he arrived punctually at the doorstep he was in a state of gastric distress.
The problem developed into one of acute flatulence, and halfway through the canapés the young man realized he couldn't hold it in one second longer without exploding. A tiny fart escaped.
"SPOT!" called out the young woman's mother to the family dog, lying at the young man's feet.
Relieved at the dog's having been blamed, the young man let another, slightly larger one go. "Spot!" she called out sharply. "I've got it made," thought the fellow to himself. One more and I'll feel fine. So he let loose a really big one.
"Spot!" shrieked the mother. "Get over here before he shits on you!"
***

Genius Dog
A butcher is busy at work when notices a dog in his shop. He shoos the dog away. Later, he notices the dog is back again. He walks over to the dog, and notices that the dog has a note in his mouth. The butcher takes the note which reads, "Can I have 12 sausages and a leg of lamb, please."
The butcher looks, and lo and behold, in the dog's mouth, there is a ten dollar bill. So the butcher takes the money, puts the sausages and lamb in a bag, and places it in the dog's mouth.
The butcher is very impressed, and since it's closing time, he decides to close up shop and follow the dog. So, off he goes. The dog is walking down the street and comes to a crossing. The dog puts down the bag, jumps up and presses the crossing button. Then he waits patiently, bag in mouth, for the lights to change. They do, and he walks across the road, with the butcher following. The dog then comes to a bus stop, and starts looking at the timetable. The butcher is in awe at this stage. The dog checks out the times, and sits on one of the seats to wait for the bus.
Along comes a bus. The dog walks to the front of the bus, looks at the number, and goes back to his seat. Another bus comes. Again the dog goes and looks at the number, notices it's the right bus, and climbs on. The butcher, by now open-mouthed, follows him onto the bus.
The bus travels thru town and out to the suburbs. Eventually the dog gets up, moves to the front of the bus, stands on his hind legs and pushes the button to stop the bus. The dog gets off, groceries still in his mouth, with the butcher still following. They walk down the road, and the dog approaches a house. He walks up the path, and drops the groceries on the step. Then he walks back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -whap!- against the door. He goes back down the path, takes another run, and throws himself -whap!- against the door again! There's no answer at the door, so the dog goes back down the path, jumps up on a narrow wall, and walks along the perimeter of the garden. He gets to a window, and bangs his head against it several times. He walks back, jumps off the wall, and waits at the door. The butcher watches as a big guy opens the door, and starts laying into the dog, really yelling at him.
The butcher runs up and stops the guy. "What the heck are you doing? This dog is a genius. He could be on TV, for God's sake!"
"Clever, my ass," the guy responds, "This is the second time this week he's forgotten his key!"
***

A Dog Wants an Office Job
A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, stating the following: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."
A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.
Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he lead him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager. The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type."
The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign says you have to be good with a computer."
The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to enter and execute a perfect program, that worked flawlessly the first time.
By this time the manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I *still* can't give you the job."
The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer.
The manager said, "Yes, but the sign *also* says that you have to be bilingual".
The dog looked at the manager calmly and said "Meow."
***

Beware of the Dog
Upon entering a small country store, a stranger noticed a sign saying DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG! posted on the glass door. Inside a harmless old hound dog was asleep on the floor besides the cash register.
He asked the store manager, "Is that the dog folks are supposed to beware of?"
"Yep, that's him," he replied.
The amused stranger inquired, "That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?"
The owner responded, "Because, before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him."
A dog saw somebody putting money into a parking meter and reported to the other dogs, "They're putting in pay toilets!"
***

My dog's cross-eyed
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy."
***

Q: What is a shitsu?
A: A zoo with no animals.
***

Dog Commandments
Thou shalt not act half starved whenever thou watches me eat.
Thou shalt not lift thy leg to water the Christmas tree.
Thou shalt not roll in any smelly stuff thy finds in the yard.
Thou shalt not lie down next to me and commence making licking and popping noises.
Thou shalt not dig up my favorite rose bush.
Thou shalt not treat my shoes as if they were thy chew toy.
Thou shalt not drink out of the toilet.
Thou shalt keep thy nose out of the cat's litter box.
Thou shalt not WATCH the cat while she is in her litterbox. (she likes her privacy.)
Thou shalt not pass gas in my presence, and then walk away as if thou has been offended by me.
Thou shalt not run away from home in pursuit of a good time. (Thou has been neutered.)
Thou shalt refrain from coughing and gagging while we have company.
Thou shall not hide thy bones under my pillow.
Thou shalt not harmonize with the cat at 2a.m.
Thou shalt not sneak up on me and lick me in the mouth while I am sleeping.
***

My Dog
A guy, a pig, and a dog were the survivors of a terrible shipwreck, and they found themselves stranded on a desert island.
After being there a while, they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun go down.
One particular evening, the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle, a perfect night for romance!
As they sat there, the pig started looking better and better to the guy. Soon, he leaned over to the pig and put his arm around it.
But, the dog became jealous, growling fiercely until the guy removed his arm from around the pig. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.
A few weeks passed by, and low and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the guy had ever seen.
She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her, and they slowly nursed her back to good health.
When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to their evening beach ritual.
It was another beautiful evening: red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze, perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the guy started to get "those feelings" again. He fought them as long as he could, but he finally leaned over to the young woman cautiously and whispered in her ear, "Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"
***

Dog Wisdom
"If A Dog Were Your Teacher" ... you would learn stuff like.....
When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.
Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.
Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.
When it's in your best interest -- practice obedience.
Let others know when they've invaded your territory.
Take naps and stretch before rising.
Run,romp, and play daily.
Thrive on attention and let people touch you.
Avoid biting, when a simple growl will do.
On warm days, stop to lie on your back on the grass.
On hot days, drink lots of water and lay under a shady tree.
When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.
No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout... run right back and make friends.
Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.
Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. Stop when you have had enough.
Be loyal.
Never pretend to be something you're not.
If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.
When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.
***

HEAVEN KNOWS
A man and his dog were walking along a road.
The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead. He remembered dying, and that the dog had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them. After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble.
At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight. When he was standing before it, he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother of pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold. He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side. When he was close enough, he called out, "Excuse me, where are we?"
"This is heaven, sir," the man answered.
"Wow! Would you happen to have some water?" The man asked.
"Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up." The man gestured, and the gate began to open.
"Can my friend," gesturing toward his dog, "come in, too?" The traveler asked.
"I'm sorry; sir, but we don't accept pets."
The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going.
After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road which led through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence. As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book.
"Excuse me!" He called to the reader. "Do you have any water?"
"Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there" The man pointed to a place that couldn't be seen from outside the gate. "Come on in."
"How about my friend here?" The traveler gestured to the dog.
"There should be a bowl by the pump."
They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it. The traveler filled the bowl and took a long drink himself, then he gave some to the dog. When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree waiting for them.
"What do you call this place?" The traveler asked.
"This is heaven," was the answer.
"Well, that's confusing," the traveler said. "The man down the road said that was heaven, too."
"Oh, you mean the place with the Gold Street and pearly gates? Nope.
That's hell."
"Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?"
"No. I can see how you might think so, but we're just happy that they screen out the folks who'll leave their best friends behind."
***

Talking Dog
A young boy goes off to college, but about 1/3 way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered what money his parents gave him.
"Hmmmm," he wonders, "How am I gonna get more dough?"
Then he gets an idea. He calls his father.
"Dad," he says, "you won't believe the wonders that modern education are coming up with!
Why, they have a program here that will teach Fido how to talk!"
"That's absolutely amazing!" His father says.
"How do I get him in that program?"
"Just send him down here with $1000," the boy says, "I'll get him into the course."
So, his father sends the dog and the $1000.
About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out.
The boy calls his father again.
"So how's Fido doing, son?" His father asks.
"Awesome, dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this, they've had such good results with this program, that they've implemented a new one to teach the animals to READ!"
"READ!?" Says his father, "No kidding!
What do I have to do to get him in that program?"
"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."
And his father sends the money.
At the end of the semester, the boy has a problem.
When he gets home, his father will find out that the dog can neither talk nor read. So he shoots the dog.
When he gets home, his father is all excited.
"Where's Fido? I just can't wait to hear him talk and listen to him read something!"
"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. This morning when I got out of the shower, Fido was in the living room kicking back in the recliner, reading the morning paper, like he usually does.
Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messin" around with that little redhead who lives on Oak Street?' “The father says,"Damn; I hope you SHOT that lyin' dog!"
"I sure did, Dad!"
***

FOR ALL YOU DOG LOVERS!!
How many dogs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
GOLDEN RETRIEVER: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our
whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out bulb?
BORDER COLLIE: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.
GERMAN SHEPHERD: Who gave that light bulb permission to burn out?
DACHSHUND: You know I can't reach that stupid bulb!
RAT TERRIER: In a minute.....I'm not quite done shredding this magazine.....
ROTTWEILER: Make me.
LAB: Oh, me!! Me!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb!! Can I?
Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I?
PUG: Hold on, let me catch my breath.
MALAMUTE: Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy.
JACK RUSSELL TERRIER: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.
BOSTON TERRIER: Hey, make it stop spinning.....or is that me?
POODLE: I'll blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes wiring the house, my nails will be dry.
COCKER SPANIEL: Why change it? I can pee on the carpet in the dark.
SCHNAUZER: Will I have to let go of the mailman?
YORKIE: Sorry, I'm not quite done with my hair.
DOBERMAN PINSCHER: While it's dark, I'm going to sleep on the sofa.
KEESHOND: Later....I'm busy shedding.
BOXER: Who cares? I can play with my squeaky toys in the dark......
SHIH TZU: I'm SURE that's the butler's job.......
MASTIFF: Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.
CHIHUAHUA: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.
IRISH WOLFHOUND: Can somebody else do it? I've got this hangover and .
POINTER: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there!
GREYHOUND: It isn't moving. Who cares?
AUSTRALIAN SHEPHERD: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle....
OLD ENGLISH SHEEP DOG: Light bulb? That thing I just ate was a light
bulb?
HOUND DOG: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
***

What has four legs and an arm?
A happy rotweiler.
***

Agnostic Dyslexic Insomniac
Did you hear about the agnostic dyslexic insomniac?
He lay awake all night wondering if there really is a Dog !
***

Smart Dog
A dog walks into a butcher shop with a purse attached around his neck. He walks up to the meat case and calmly sits there until it's his turn to be waited on. A man, who is already in the butcher shop, finished his purchase and notices the dog.
The butcher leaned over the counter and asked the dog what it wanted today. The dog put his paw on the glass case in front of the ground beef, and the butcher said, "How many pounds?" The dog barked twice, so the butcher made a package of two pounds of ground beef.
He then said, "Anything else?" The dog pointed to the pork chops, and the butcher said, "How many?" The dog barked four times, and the butcher made up a package of four pork chops.
The dog then walked around behind the counter, so the butcher could get at the purse. The butcher took out the appropriate amount of money and tied the two packages of meat around the dog's neck.
The man who had been watching all this time, decided to follow the dog. It walked for several blocks and then trotted up to a house where it began to scratch the door to be let in.
As the owner appeared at the door, the man said to him, "That's a really smart dog you have there." The owner replied, "He's not all that smart. This is the second time this week he forgot his key."
***

Rover gets the blame
Bloke goes to his dinner with the parents of his girlfrind for th first time ever. They're sitting in a pretty conventional fashion, table cloth, lots of food, dog lying under the table, all that.
Halfway through the main course, the bloke has an urge to fart. Not an urge, a compulsion, a need. He can't get up without looking rude, so he leans to one side and lets rip a quiet 'parp'
The father of the family looks under the table;
"Rover!" He says.
'Blinding' thinks the guy, 'Got away with that one, now they think it was the dog. Marvellous...'
Five minutes later, he needs to fart again. But he got away with it before, so he tries it again....
*parp!*
"Rover!"
Marvellous.
Twice more he does it, twice more the father calls on his dog.
*parp!!*
"Rover, come out!"
*parp!!!*
"Rover!"
It's getting late in the meal, and our man is quite pleased with his success. Dizzy with it, and full of good girlfriendally-parent cooked food and wine, and knowin the dog has always been... y'know... he lets another....
*PPAAAAARP!*
"Rover? Rover!" Says the Father, "Rover, get out from under the table, before that boy sh*ts on your head!"
***

No dogs allowed?
There's a guy with a Doberman Pinscher and a guy with a Chihuahua. The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says to the guy with a Chihuahua, "Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to eat." The guy with the Chihuahua says, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us." The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, "Just follow me."
They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman Pinscher puts on a pair of dark glasses, and he starts to walk in. A guy at the door says, "Sorry, Mac, no pets allowed." The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog." The guy at the door says, "A Doberman Pinscher?" He says, "Yes, they're using them now; they're very good." The guy at the door says, "Ok. Come on in."
The guy with the Chihuahua figures, "Why not," so he puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in. The guy at the door says, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed." The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog." The guy at the door says, "A Chihuahua?" The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?"
***

New Dog Breeds
Collie + Lhasa Apso
Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport

Spitz + Chow Chow
Spitz-Chow, a dog that throws up a lot

Pointer + Setter
Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet

Great Pyrenees + Dachshund
Pyradachs, a puzzling breed

Pekingese + Lhasa Apso
Peekasso, an abstract dog

Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel
Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle

Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever
Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists

Newfoundland + Basset Hound
Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors

Terrier + Bulldog
Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes

Bloodhound + Labrador
Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly

Malamute + Pointer
Moot Point, owned by...oh well, it doesn't matter anyway

Collie + Malamute
Commute, a dog that travels to work

Deerhound + Terrier
Derriere, a dog that's true to the end

Bull Terrier + Shih Tzu
Bull Shih Tzu, a gregarious but unreliable breed
***

Good Dog...
Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs are. The first man was an Engineer, the second was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist, the fourth was a Government Worker.
To show off, the Engineer called to his dog. "T-Square, do your stuff." T-Square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.
But the Accountant said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Slide Rule, do your stuff." Slide Rule went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good.
But the Chemist said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Beaker, do your stuff." Beaker got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was great.
Then the three men turned to the Government Worker and said, "What can your dog do?"
The Government Worker called to his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff." Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, dumped on the paper, sexually assaulted the other three dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for worker's Compensation and went home on sick leave.
***

A pit-bull, bull-dog, and a black lab
There is a pit-bull, bull-dog, and a black lab all locked up in the local dog pound. The pit-bull decides to speak freely and says, "Ya know, it wasn't my fault I bit that kid's head off. Them kids have been throwing rocks at me for years and I just couldn't help but jump the fence one day and go after them. Now they are going to put me to sleep."
The bull-dog speaks up and says, "I'm in for a similar incident. My master just wasn't paying any attention to me since that stinkin baby came along and one day while it was crawlin around on the floor I bit its leg off. Now they are going to put me to sleep too."
Both the pit-bull and bull-dog look at the black lab and ask, "What are you in for?"
The lab replies, "Well the other day my master's lady was walking around the house naked all day long cleaning the house. When she went into the bathroom and bent over to clean the tub I just couldn't take it anymore. I came up behind her, put my front paws on her back and mounted her."
The pit-bull asks, "So when are you due to be put to sleep?"
And the lab replies, "Oh, I'm not in to be put to sleep, I'm just in to have my nails trimmed and groomed."
***

Deaf Schnauzer
A lady with a prize-winning schnauzer figured that he was going deaf. He wouldn't come when she called. When she took him out for a walk he wouldn't heel like he had been taught to do. As a matter of fact, when the dog wasn't looking and she called him, he acted like he didn't hear her at all. So she took him to the vet.
The vet looked the dog over and gave him a complete physical. He told the lady, "There's nothing wrong with your dog at all. Look here. He has excessive hair growing in his ears, which led you to believe that he is deaf. He can't hear you, but he isn't deaf. You can treat this with a depilatory. I haven't got any in stock, but you can get some 'Neet' or 'Nair' at your local pharmacy. This will work just as well as the doggy brand will."
So the lady went to the nearest store and picked up a small bottle of Nair and looked over the instructions. There was nothing on the carton that related to her dog so she took it to the druggist and asked his advice.
"How do I apply this product," she asked. "Do I put it on right out of the bottle or do I dilute it or what?"
The druggist said, "For you legs, put it on straight. Right out of the bottle. For your underarms, I recommend that you dilute it 50-50 with water."
She said, "I don't think that you understand. It's for my schnauzer."
"Oh," said the druggist. "In that case, I suggest that you dilute it 3 to 1 with water. And by the way, I wouldn't ride a bicycle for a few days."
***

Mean Pit Bull
A woman was leaving a 7-11 with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind.
Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash.
Behind her were 200 women walking single file.
The woman couldn't stand her curiosity. She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said "I am so sorry for your loss and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this.
Whose funeral is it?"
The woman replied "Well, that first hearse is for my husband."
"What happened to him?"
The woman replied "My dog attacked and killed him."
She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"
The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her."
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two women.
"Could I borrow that dog?"
Get in line."
***