| What did the Police Dog say when he sat on the gravel?
Ruff, Ruff!
Where do you take a sick Police Dog?
To the Dogtor
What do you call a very, very big Police Dog?
Sir
What do you call a Police Dog with a banana in each ear?
Anything you want he cannot hear you.
What did the Police Dog say to the flea?
Stop bugging me.
What goes tick, woof, tick, woof, tick, woof, tick, woof, tick, woof?
A watch dog
What wears a coat all winter and pants all summer?
A Police Dog.
***
There was a young Policeman called Andy
Whose Police Dog was enormous and shaggy
His front looked vicious and grim
But the tail end was friendly and waggy
***
How do you stop a Police Dog barking in the back of the Police Dog van?
Put him in the front seat.
When is a Police Dog like a camera?
When he snaps.
Why did the Police Dog chase his tail?
He wanted to make ends meet.
What do you call a Police Dog at the North Pole?
Lost
Why did the Police Dog take a ruler to bed?
He wanted to see how long he slept.
Which Police Dogs have the shortest legs?
The smallest.
How long should a Police Dogs legs be?
Long enough to reach the ground.
Why is a Police Dog handler like an actor?
He always wants to take the lead.
***
"Officer I wish to complain about your Police Dog chasing a man on a motorbike".
"Don't be silly" said the Policeman, "my dog can't ride a motorbike".
***
What is a Police Dog's life like?
Ruff!
What happened to the Police Dog who lost his voice?
He was yelpless?
What did the Police Dog say when the train ran over its tail?
"It won't be long now".
What do Police Dogs and trees have in common?
Bark
How did the Police Dog get up the tree?
He sat on an acorn and waited for it to grow.
How did the Police Dog get down from the tree?
He sat on a leaf and waited until Autumn.
How did the French Police Dog find Quasimodo?
They followed a hunch.
What did the Sheriff say when he saw his Police Dog disappear over a cliff?
"Doggone".
How do you make a Police Dog fly?
Put him in a Police helicopter.
***
There was a young Police Dog from Kent
Whose nose was all battered and bent.
One day he arose and followed his nose
And no one knew which way he went.
***
What do you get if you feed a Police Dog chilli?
A Hot Dog!
What did the Police Dog say to the Queen?
Woof! Woof! (What did you expect? He is a dog)
Q: What do you get if you cross a cocker spaniel, a poodle and a rooster?
A: Cockerpoodledoo!
Q: What do you call a sheepdog's tail that can tell tall stories?
A: A shaggy dogs tale!
Q: Why do dogs run in circles?
A: Because its hard to run in squares!
Q: How did the little Scottish dog feel when he saw a monster?
A: Terrier-fied!
Q: What do you get if you cross a gun dog with a telephone?
A: A golden receiver!
Q: What do you get if you cross a Beatle and an Australian dog?
A: Dingo Starr!
Q: What do you get if you cross a sheepdog with a jelly?
A: The collie wobbles!
Q: What do you call a black Eskimo dog?
A: A dusky husky!
Q: What do you get if you cross a dog with a frog?
A: A dog that can lick you from the other side of the road!
Q: When does a dog go "moo"?
A: When it is learning a new language!
Q: What kind of meat do you give a stupid dog?
A: Chump chops!
Q: How many seasons are there in a dogs life?
A: Just one, the moulting season!
Q: What do you call a dog with no legs?
A: It doesn't matter what you call him, he still won't come!
Q: Why is it called a "litter" of puppies?
A: Because they mess up the whole house!
Q: How do you stop a dog smelling?
A: Put a peg on it's nose!
Q: What is the best time to take a Rottweiler for a walk?
A: Any times he wants to!
Q: When is a black dog not a black dog?
A: When it's a greyhound!
Q: How do you feel if you cross a sheepdog with a melon?
A: Melon-collie!
Q: What do you get if cross two young dogs with a pair of headphones?
A: Hush puppies!
Q: What do you call a litter of young dogs who have come in from the snow?
A: Slush puppies!
Q: Why do you need a licence for a dog and not for a cat?
A: Cats can't drive!
Q: What do you call a dog in the middle of a muddy road?
A: A mutt in a rut!
Q: What do you get if you cross a dog with a blind mole?
A: A dog that keeps barking up the wrong tree!
Q: What do you call a happy Lassie?
A: A jolly collie!
Q: What do you call a nutty dog in Australia?
A: A dingo-ling!
Q: What dog loves to take bubble baths?
A: A shampoodle!
Q: How do you catch a runaway dog?
A: Hide behind a tree and make a noise like a bone!
Q: What dogs are best for sending telegrams?
A: Wire haired terriers!!
Q: What kind of dog does a vampire prefer?
A: Any kind of bloodhound!
Q: What kind of dog sniffs out new flowers?
A: A bud hound!
Q: What do you get if you cross a dog and a cheetah?
A: A dog that chases cars - and catches them!
Q: What happens when it rains cats and dogs?
A: You can step in a poodle!
Q: What sort of clothes does a pet dog wear?
A: A petticoat!
Q: What do you get if you cross a dog and a lion?
A: A terrified postman!
Q: What happened to the dog that ate nothing but garlic?
A: His bark was much worse than it's bite!
Q: What is a dogs favorite flower?
A: Anything in your garden!
Q: What dog wears contact lenses?
A: A cock-eyed spaniel!
Q: What's a dog favorite hobby?
A: Collecting fleas!
Q: What did the hungry Dalmatian say when he had a meal?
A: That hit the spots!
Q: What do you get if you cross a Rottweiller and a hyena?
A: I don't know but I'll join in if it laughs!
Q: What is a dog's favorite sport?
A: Formula 1 drooling!
Q: What do you get if you take a really big dog out for a walk?
A: A Great Dane out!
Q: Where does a Rottweiller sit in the cinema?
A: Anywhere it wants to!
Q: What did the angry man sing when he found his slippers chewed up by the new puppy?
A: "I must throw that doggie out the window!"
Q: What kind of dog does Dracula have?
A: A bloodhound!
Q: Why did the dog wear white sneakers?
A: Because his boots were at the menders!
Q: What is a dog's favorite food?
A: Anything that is on your plate!
Q: What is the only kind of dog you can eat?
A: A hot dog!
Q: What kind of dog sounds like you can eat it?
A sausage dog!
Q: What do you do if your dog eats your pen?
A: Use a pencil instead!
Q: What happens to a dog that keeps eating bits off of the table?
A: He gets splinters in his mouth!
Q: What kind of dog chases anything red?
A: A bull dog!
Q: What kind of dog wears a uniform and medals?
A: A guard dog!
Q: What do you call a dog in jeans and a sweater?
A: A plain clothes police dog!
Q: What do you get if you cross a dog and a skunk?
A: Rid of the dog!
Q: What do you get if you cross a computer and a Rottweiller?
A: A computer with a lot of bites!
Q: What do you get if you cross a dog with a kangaroo?
A: A dog that has somewhere to put its own lead!
Q: What do you get if you cross a dog and a sheep?
A: A sheep that can round itself up!
Q: What do you get if you cross a dog with Concorde?
A: A jet setter!
Q: What do dogs have that no other animal has?
A: Puppy dogs!
Q: Why did the dachshund bite the woman's ankle?
A: Because he was short and couldn't reach any higher!
Q: Where do Eskimos train their dogs?
A: In the mush room!
Q: Why did the snowman call his dog Frost?
Because frost bites!
Q: What do you get if you cross a giraffe with a dog?
A: An animal that barks at low flying aircraft!
Q: What do you call an alcoholic dog?
A: A whino!
Q: What is the difference between Father Christmas and a warm dog?
A: Father Christmas wears a whole suit, a dog just pants!
Q: When is the most likely time that a stray dog will walk into your house?
A: When the door is open!
Q: Why don't dogs make good dancers?
A: Because they have two left feet!
***
Blind Mans Dog
The blind man was out walking with his Guide dog when suddenly the animal paused and wet the man's leg. Bending down, the blind man stretched out his hand and patted the dog's head.
Having watched what happened, a passerby said,
"Excuse me, why are you patting him? That dog just pissed on your leg!"
"I know," said the blind man, "but I've got to find his head before I can kick his arse."
***
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
***
|
FBI Canine
A police dog responds to an ad for work with the FBI. "Well," says the personnel director, "you'll have to meet some strict requirements. First, you must type at least 60 words per minute." Sitting down at the typewriter, the dog types out 80 words per minute. "Also," says the director, "you must pass a physical and complete the obstacle course." This perfect canine specimen finishes the course in record time. "There's one last requirement," the director continues; "you must be bilingual." With confidence, the dog looks up at him and says, "Meow!"
***
A Sick Dog
A couple buys this cute little dog. They take him home and two days later the dog becomes very lazy. It won't eat, doesn't bark, heck it doesn't even move at all.
So the couple decides to take the dog to the Vet. The Vet looks at the dog and then lays it on the floor. He then brings a cat into the room and sets it beside the dog. The cat crawls all over the dog for several minutes and then runs around the dog four times before the Vet picks up the cat and puts him back in his cage.
The Vet then turns to the couple and says, "I'm sorry to tell you this, but your dog is dead... That'll be $225.00."
"$225.00?," screamed the outraged man. "You expect me to pay you that much just to tell me my dog is dead?"
The Vet replied, "It's only $25.00 for the office visit and $200.00 for the Cat Scan."
***
Getting Fixed
Two dogs were sitting in a vet's office. The bigger of the dogs gruffs, "Whatcha doing here?"
The little dog responds, "I'm getting 'fixed'. Whenever I see my mistress I get so horny I just jump on her leg and start pumping. It's very embarrassing."
The first dog says, "Yeah, I know what you mean. One morning my mistress had just got out of the shower, and was sitting on the side of the bed. She leaned down to pick up her clothes from the floor, and I couldn't resist it... I jumped up and starting taking her from the rear!"
The second dog exclaimed, "Wow! So you're here to be fixed too?" "Hell no, I'm getting de-clawed."
***
Seeing Eye Dogs
A guy with a Doberman Pinscher and a guy with a Chihuahua decide to go to a restaurant and get something to eat.
The guy with the Chihuahua says, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."
The guy with the Doberman Pinscher replies, "Just follow my lead."
They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman Pinscher puts on a pair of dark glasses, and he starts to walk in.
"Sorry, Sir. No pets allowed," announces the door man.
The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."
The door man inquires, "A Doberman Pinscher?"
He responds, "Yes, they're using them now, they're very good."
The door man says, "Come on in."
The guy with the Chihuahua thinks, "What the heck," so he puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in.
"Sorry, pal, no pets allowed," announces the door man.
The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."
The door man inquires, "A Chihuahua?"
The guy with the Chihuahua replies, "You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?"
***
Amazing Dog
An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him.
He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a pessimist by nature, and invited him to hunt with him and his new dog. As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. They fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. The friend saw everything but did not say a single word.
On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?" "I sure did," responded his friend. "He can't swim.
***
Does Your Dog Own You?
See how many of these statements apply to you and your dog.
You believe every dog is a lap dog.
If you are cold, you put a sweater on your dog.
You have a picture of your dog in your wallet, but not one of your kids.
You often claim that it was love at first sight with you and your dog.
You have your dog talk to your friends on the phone.
You can't fully enjoy yourself without your dog.
No matter how large your bed is, it is not large enough for you and your dogs).
You spend more on clothes and food for your dog than you do for yourself.
You have no reservations about kissing your dog on the lips, even when you know where his lips have been.
You believe it is your duty to talk to, pat, and even feed every dog in the neighborhood. You know their names.
You let the neighbor dog sleep over.
You believe there is no such thing as a naughty dog.
Your vet and grooming bills exceed your rent.
When you need someone to talk to, your dog is your first choice.
You sit on the floor if the dog got in the chair first.
You talk to your dog when you are driving. He answers.
Your dog taught you to fetch and roll over.
***
The Happiest Dog Ever
Paul got off the elevator on the 40th floor and nervously knocked on his blind date's door. She opened it and was as beautiful and charming as everyone had said.
"I'll be ready in a few minutes," she said. "Why don't you play with Rollo while you're waiting?" He does wonderful tricks. He rolls over, shakes hands, sits up and if you make a hoop with your arms, he'll jump through."
The dog followed Paul onto the balcony and started rolling over. Paul made a hoop with his arms and Rollo jumped through -- and over the balcony railing. Just then Paul's date walked out.
"Isn't Rollo the cutest, happiest dog you've ever seen?"
"To tell the truth, " he replied, "Rollo seemed a little depressed to me!"
***
Religious Dog
This fundamentalist Christian couple felt it important to own an equally fundamentally Christian pet. So, they went shopping. At a kennel specializing in this particular breed, they found a dog they liked quite a lot.
When they asked the dog to fetch the Bible, he did it in a flash. When they instructed him to look up Psalm 23, he complied equally fast, using his paws with dexterity. They were impressed, purchased the animal, and went home (piously, of course).
That night they had friends over. They were so proud of their new fundamentalist dog and his major skills, they called the dog and showed off a little. The friends were impressed, and asked whether the dog was able to do any of the usual dog tricks, as well. This stopped the couple cold, as they hadn't thought about 'normal' tricks.
"Well," they said, "let's try this out."
Once more they called out to the dog, and then clearly pronounced the command, "Heel!"
Quick as a wink, the dog jumped up, put his paw on the man's forehead, closed his eyes in concentration, and bowed his head.
***
House Rules For Dogs
Some Basic Rules For Dogs Who Have A House To Run
1. If you have to throw up, get into a chair, QUICKLY! If you can't manage that in time, get to an Oriental rug. If no Oriental rug is available, any good rug will do. (The middle of the human's bed is a good spot too.
2. ALWAYS accompany guests to the bathroom. It's not necessary to do anything; just sit and stare. When they are done, jump up and look in the bowl when they flush.
3. Do not allow closed doors in ANY room. To get a door opened, stand on our hind legs and hammer with your forepaws.
4. When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on, picked up, and consoled with food. (And to get twice the number of treats, demand one before you go out and another when you come back in....2 treats for only a few drops of urine!)
5. Once a door is opened, it's not necessary to use it. After you've ordered an outside door opened, stand halfway in and halfway out and think about several things. It's particularly important during very cold or hot weather, rain, snow, and mosquito season.
6. Begin people-training early. You'll then have a smooth-running household. Humans need to know the basic rules. They can be taught if you start early and are consistent.
***
A dog ran into a butcher shop and grabbed a roast off the counter. Fortunately, the butcher recognized the dog as belonging to a neighbor of his. The neighbor happened to be a lawyer.
Incensed at the theft, the butcher called up his neighbor and said, "Hey, if your dog stole a roast from my butcher shop, would you be liable for the cost of the meat?" The lawyer replied, "Of course, how much was the roast?" "$7.98."
A few days later the butcher received a check in the mail for $7.98. Attached to it was an invoice that read: Legal Consultation Service: $150.
***
A thief walks into a house at night and shines his flashlight around. He immediately spots a stereo. As soon as he reaches it he hears a voice behind him say, "Jesus is watching you." He quickly shut his flashlight off thinking at first that someone had caught him, then after nothing happened, decided that he was hearing things and promised himself a vacation as soon as he made his next big robbery. He turned the flashlight back on and started to unhook the stereo. He heard it again. It said, "Jesus is watching you." He turned around to see a parrot in a cage. "Did you say that?" he asked. "Yeah" the parrot replied. "I was just trying to warn you." "Shut up bird!" the thief told him. "My name is Moses. Not 'Bird'," said the parrot. "What kind of people would name a parrot 'Moses'?" the thief wanted to know. "The same kind of people that would name a Rotweiler 'Jesus'."
***
Doggie Quotes
"If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise."
"Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant."
"Whoever said you can't buy happiness forgot about puppies."
"Ever consider what they must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul--chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!"
"If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons."
"You enter into a certain amount of madness when you marry a person with pets."
"Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea."
"There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face.
"Cat's motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it."
"Money will buy you a pretty good dog, but it won't buy the wag of his tail."
"No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does."
"A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself."
"Man is a dog's idea of what God should be."
"The average dog is a nicer person than the average person."
"He is your friend, your partner, your defender, your dog. You are his life, his love, his leader. He will be yours, faithful and true, to the last beat of his heart. You owe it to him to be worthy of such devotion."
***
Dogaholics Anonymous
Good Afternoon. I AM a dogaholic. I would like to welcome all of you to this month's meeting of "Dogaholics Anonymous." Some of you are here tonight because a friend or relative brought you here. You may be sitting here thinking that you are OK and that you really don't need any help. It is not easy to admit that you are a dogaholic and it is even harder to bring yourself to a DA meeting for help. DA is here to assist you. I have some questions to ask. If you can answer YES to more than three of the following, you have come to the right place.
***
Questions
Can you say "Bitch" in public without blushing?
Do you drive a station wagon, van or 4x4 when everyone else drives a real car?
Do you have more than one car?
One for you and one for the dogs?
Do you spend your vacations and holidays going to shows, specialties and seminars when everyone else goes on a cruise?
If you do go overseas, is it to London in March to attend Crufts? [or Finland in June to attend the World Dog Show?]
Do you discuss things at the dinner table that would make most doctors leave in disgust?
Do you consider formal wear to be clean jeans and freshly washed tennis shoes?
Is your interior decorator R.C. Steele?
Was your furniture and carpeting chosen to match your dogs?
Are your end tables really dog crates with tablecloths thrown over them?
Do you know the meaning of CD, CDX, UD, CGC, HIC, WC, JH, MH, CH, and OTCH?
Is your mail made up primarily of dog catalogs, dog magazines and premium lists?
Do you get up before dawn to go to Training Classes? Dog Shows? Seminars? [but have trouble getting up for "work?"]
If you do have dresses, do they all have pockets?
Do those pockets often contain freeze-dried liver, Rollover or squeaky toys?
When you meet a new person do you always ask them what kind of dog they have and pity them if they don't have one?
Do you remember the name of their dog sooner than you remember their name?
Do you find non-dog people boring?
If you answered YES to one of the above, there is still hope.
If you answered YES to two, you are in serious trouble.
If you answered YES to three or more, you have come to the right place.
My advice to all of you with three or more YES's is to sit back and smile, turn to the smiling person next to you and know that your life will always be filled with good friends and good dogs and it will never be boring.
***
Q. What has two legs and bleeds easily?
A. Half a dog.
***
|
One Smart Dog
Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs are.
The first man was an engineer, the second was an accountant, the third a chemist, and the fourth was a government worker.
To show off, the engineer called to his dog. "T-Square, do your stuff." T-Square trotted over to the desk, took out some paper and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.
But the accountant said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff." Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into four equal piles of three cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good.
But the chemist said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop! Everyone agreed that was good.
Then the three men turned to the government worker, and said, "What can your dog do?"
The government worker called to his dog and said, "Coffee Break, "do your stuff." Coffee Break slowly got on his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, crapped on the paper, sexually assaulted the other three dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for workers' compensation, and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.
***
Dear Dog and Cat:
When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way.
The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. (Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate of food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food & dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.)
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack.
Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort. Look at videos of dogs and cats sleeping. They can actually curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. (I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but sarcasm.)
My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered.
(In addition, I have been using the bathroom for years...canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.)
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dogs or cats' butt. I cannot stress this enough.
It would be such a simple change for you.
To pacify you I have posted the following message on our front door:
Rules for Non-pet owners who visit and like to complain about my pets:
1.They live here; you don't!
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture
3. I like my pet better than I like most people
4. To you it's an animal. To me he and/or she is an adopted son and/or daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and is speech challenged.
Dogs and cats are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask form oney all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't drink or smoke, don't worry about buying the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, and don't need a gazillion dollars for college.
***
ANALYSIS
CAT ANALYSIS
1. Cats do what they want.
2. They rarely listen to you.
3. They're totally unpredictable.
4. When you want to play, they want to be alone.
5. when you want to be alone, they want to play.
6. They expect you to cater to their every whim.
7. They're moody.
8. They leave hair everywhere.
CONCLUSION: They're tiny women in little fur coats.
DOG ANALYSIS
1. Dogs spend all day sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house.
2. They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but they don't hear you when you're in the same room.
3. They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time.
4. They growl when they are not happy.
5. When you want to play, they want to play.
6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7. They leave their toys everywhere.
8. They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss.
9. They go right to your crotch as soon as they meet you.
CONCLUSION: THEY'RE TINY MEN IN LITTLE FUR COATS
***
Cross-Eyed Rottweiler
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
"My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "Let's have a look at him."
So he picks the dog up and has a good look at its eyes.
"I'm going to have to put him down" says the vet.
"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's chuffin' heavy!"
***
Clever dog
A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dog along for company. One day the dog starts chasing butterflies and before long he discovers that he is lost. So, wandering about he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch.
The dog thinks, "Boyo, I'm in deep s**t ." Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.
Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dog exclaims loudly, "Man, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this the leopard halts his attack in mid stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. "Whew", says the leopard. "That was close. That dog nearly had me."
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes. But the dog saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up.
The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The cat is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine."
Now the dog sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks," What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers pretending he hasn't seen them yet. And just when they get close enough to hear, the dog says, "Where's that monkey. I just can never trust him. I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard, and he's still not back!!"
***
Blind Man in a Bar
A blind man with his guide dog walked into a bar.
The blind man picked up the dog and swung it around and around over his head.
The bartender runs up and asks, "Man, What the heck are you doing?"
The blind man replies,"Just looking around."
***
Woof Woof
An Alsatian went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote, "Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof."
The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog: "There are only nine words here. You could send another Woof for the same price."
"But, the dog replied, that would make no sense at all."
***
Three Dogs
Three dogs, a Spaniel, an Alsatian and a Great Dane are sitting in the vet's waiting room. They start chatting. The Spaniel, it transpires, caused a fatal car accident, while the Alsatian savaged a paperboy. Both are there to be put down.
The Great Dane had mounted his mistress while she bent over to clean the bath and had his way. "So you're here to be put down too?" asks the Spaniel. "No," replies the Dane, "I'm here to get my nails clipped."
***
Talking dog for sale
A guy sees a sign in front of a house in Luton: "Talking Dog for Sale."
He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks. "Sure do." he dog replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The dog looks up and says, "Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the MI5 about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running.
"The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a ife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. The owner says, "Ten quid."
The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"
"Cause he's a f*cking liar. He didn't do any of that sh*t."
***
A talented dog?
A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, stating the following: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."
A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined. Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he lead him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager. The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type." The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair.
The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign says you have to be good with a computer." The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to enter and execute a perfect program, that worked flawlessly the first time. By this time the manager was totally dumbfounded! He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can't give you the job."
The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said, "Yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual." The dog looked at the manager calmly and said, "Meow."
***
Why God Created Dogs & Cats
A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to, "Where do pets come from?"
Adam said, "Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me everyday. Now I do not see you anymore. I am lonesome here & it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me."
And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are & will love you as I do, in spite of yourself."
And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam & he wagged his tail.
And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom & I cannot think of a name for this new animal."
And God said, "No problem! Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."
And Dog lived with Adam & was a companion to him & loved him. And Adam was comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content & wagged his tail.
After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to the Lord & said, "Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts & preens like a peacock & he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but perhaps too well."
And the Lord said, "No problem! I will create for him a companion who will be with him forever & who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not always worthy of adoration."
And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam. And Cat would not obey Adam. And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded that he was not the supreme being.
And Adam learned humility.
And God was pleased.
And Adam was greatly improved.
And Dog was happy.
And the Cat didn't give a hoot one way or the other.
***
How do you stop a Police Dog digging holes?
Hide his garden trowel
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